early child development

40 Words of Wisdom to Give Your Child

What follows is from Rebecca Perkins, Founder, Best Knickers Always.  Here’s my addition to the piece.  Feed the basic points ( shown in red)  to your children in an age appropriate way as soon as they can understand concepts.  Not all at once, but feed them as regularly as you feed them cereal and meat and vegetables.  As they grow, continue to feed them in age appropriate ways that they can understand.  Add some of the more complicated ones.  If you are fortunate enough to be a teacher feed them to your students.  But it will only make a difference in your child’s development if you model them—all forty of them.  And by the way, feed yourself a daily dose.

40 Words of Wisdom Every Parent Needs To Give Their Child

Rebecca Perkins, Founder, Best Knickers Always

I wanted to give my eldest a different birthday present this year and seeing that ‘words’ are what I do best, I chose to pass on some wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. Who knows whether they’ll be listened to! Would I have listened to my parents at 24?

Perhaps these are words of wisdom for us all, whatever our age. Perhaps if our children are younger, we can set the intention to parent in such a way that we teach them this wisdom by example.

  1. You are not your job. You are not the amount of cash you have in the bank. You are not your possessions.
  2. Find your passion. Look for what inspires you. Find what you love to do and pursue it with all your heart. You may well find a way how to make money from doing it.
  3. Love hurts. But it is so much better than closing yourself off for fear of being hurt and not experiencing love.
  4. Communication and respect are the foundations for a lasting relationship.
  5. Three things are needed in a relationship — lust, love, and shared values.
  6. Never compare yourself to others. It’s a waste of energy. You are unique and have your own gifts to offer the world.
  7. Look after your health — physical, mental, and spiritual.
  8. Don’t complain. Decide what you will tolerate and get on with life.
  9. Set boundaries — work, family, and friendships.
  10. Little stuff matters — manners get you a long way.
  11. Be grateful. List the things you are grateful for every day.
  12. Expect to fail. Failure is not fatal. Learn the lessons, then get back up and try again.
  13. Have outrageous dreams. You’ll be amazed at what comes true.
  14. Act with integrity at all times.
  15. Call your parents. They may well have screwed up but they raised you to the best of their abilities.
  16. Know your values. Let no one violate what you hold as important be that a boss or your partner.
  17. You don’t need to have it all worked out. Tomorrow is another day.
  18. Lighten up on yourself. Breathe deeply and slowly.
  19. Listen to your inner dialogue. Would you speak to someone you love in the same way?
  20. Take risks, take leaps of faith. You’ll grow wings.
  21. Be of service to others. Be interested in others. People will always remember what you did for them.
  22. “No” is a complete sentence.
  23. Don’t stress so much over decisions. Decisions needn’t be forever.
  24. Cultivate and nurture friendships. With love and care they can last a lifetime. At the same time don’t be afraid to edit friendships.
  25. You are enough just as you are. Perfect in your imperfection.
  26. Learn to accept compliments. Simply say ‘thank you’.
  27. Be willing to show that you are vulnerable. It is in fact the greatest act of courage.
  28. You are never alone.
  29. Yourself first and then others. We are all in this together.
  30. Your attitude is always a choice.
  31. Laugh a lot. Have fun.
  32. Magic happens outside your comfort zone.
  33. Learn to love yourself now. It gets harder if you leave it until you’re older.
  34. Don’t worry about what other people think. They think about you a lot less than you imagine.
  35. Follow your intuition. Your guts have the answer. Every time.
  36. Happiness starts within. Do not expect anyone else to make you happy.
  37. Be financially savvy right from the off. Save 10%. Debt is not pretty. Make your own lunch for work. A cappuccino and a sandwich a day soon add up.
  38. Life isn’t a race. Stop and smell the roses. Really.
  39. When overwhelmed ask yourself, “Will this even be an issue in 5 years’ time?”
  40. Change happens. It’s one of the great certainties in life. Learn to roll with it.




Times have changed since the 1800’s, and we haven’t.

Please stick with me as I present a crazy idea about children under six that will really make your head spin.  I will start with the recognition that what I’m going to propose is so extreme that at 73 I will never see it happen, but it should.  Discuss this idea among yourselves to see how close we can get to it.  Maybe my grandkids generation can pull it off, but the time to start movement toward it is now.

In the early days of America’s westward movement, Dad worked the land and Mom stayed home and raised the children.  It was decided that when the children reached about the age of six, they would enter a group learning environment called school.

In time, Dad found employment in the city, but Mom was still home, and the school system continued to be sufficient.  Then, before we knew it, many Moms were working outside the home.  We were introduced to a whole new set of problems that, as a society, we still haven’t come close to solving.  The need has been exacerbated by the explosion in the number of one-parent households.

Child care became a new industry.  Our children up to age nine or ten need a haven when they are not in school and no parents are home.  This industry took a wide variety of forms—grandma, Aunt Minnie, neighbors, child care centers, and homes where the resident has opened a child care business.  Some of these facilities are held to various standards, but many are not.

Today there are tens of thousands of people and places that offer one form of child care or another.  Some relatives and friends do it for free, but for most venues there is a charge.  The cost and quality of these options is all over the map, not only from format to format but within a given format.

Some places are safe, but the children are not exposed to developmental activities.  I call that a TV, a Pepsi, and a Twinkie.  Others are safe and offer age-appropriate activities and nutritional meals.  Some are neither safe nor developmental nor healthy.  Some facilities are licensed by the state and are held to specified standards.  A relative few are even accredited.  But anyone can open a rogue facility where they are held to no standards.

In most states, you can pay a year’s tuition at your state university for your 19-year-old for less than you can put your 2-year old into full-time day care at a licensed center for the same length of time.

Let me describe what we might do if we could start over with a clean sheet of paper and design a system to accommodate today’s lifestyle.  As you read it, it will become obvious that this is about as pie-in-the-sky as one can get, but please dream along with me for a few minutes.

  • Offer public school, on an optional basis, beginning at age six-months. Of course, the first few years would be the equivalent of child care and would include the age appropriate developmental activities and nutrition I mentioned earlier.  A parent who wants to stay home with his/her child would certainly be encouraged to do so.
  • Today’s mandatory rule of entering kindergarten at five or six would still be in place, but before that, parents would have a choice. Families in need of child care could exercise the in-school option and be certain that their children were receiving safe, clean, developmental care with nutritional meals.
  • The care givers would be educated in their profession so that the care would be reasonably consistent. Employment would require at least a two-year degree in child care or teaching.
  • Generate funds by charging those who can afford it for the pre-kindergarten years. Use a sliding scale much like the income tax rates. I suggest a range from free to the very low income people to full cost for those who have incomes over a certain amount.
  • Offer discounts for multiple children from the same family.

You say, “Gee, Doug, this makes so much sense, why don’t we just do it?”  Since the rules on teacher-to-child ratios are more stringent for younger children, the cost of public education would skyrocket–possibly even double.  Also, we would need an investment to expand our facilities to accommodate the increased number of children in the schools.  This “crazy”idea would cost billions more annually than today’s public education budget.  I suggest a combination of increases in some taxes and a redeployment of a big chunk of our bloated defense budget.  If we don’t turn education around, we will have nothing left to defend.

I mentioned my idea to a local school administrator.  Before I got the words out of my mouth, she screamed in protest that she already had too much to do, and this would make her job impossible.  That is the kind of short-sighted thinking that I’m afraid is all too prevalent in our school officials and the public in general.

When I mention the idea of public support of child care, the most common answer by empty-nested adults is, “I raised my kids without help from the government.  Let today’s parents do the same thing.”  Not only is it not the same world as the nineteenth century, it’s not even the same world as the sixties and seventies.  That answer is closely followed in frequency by, “They shouldn’t have had the kids if they can’t afford them.”  While there might be some truth in that in a vacuum, in reality it’s idiotic.  the kids are here.

Maybe we will never do anything as extreme as this.  We certainly aren’t ready now with our dysfunctional governments at all levels, our narrow- minded school officials, and an inflexible public.  This is an issue that won’t be solved by evolutionary actions.  We need to reinvent our education system from birth through sixth grade.  Failure to do so can only need to a continuing downward spiral in our national intellect.

Please let me know the name of any politician who will throw himself on his sword and present this idea to Congress.


I am a firm believer in the concept of playing the hand I’m dealt. I have a friend with whom I play gin rummy on a regular basis. When I’m dealt a hand with no pairs and no successive card in a suit, I don’t punish the cards by throwing them across the room and giving up. I play the hand, make the best I can of it, and hope to get a better hand on the next deal.

Such is the case with many of the problems in our society.  We should work tirelessly to establish conditions whereby we minimize the chance of bad things happening.  My list of bad things includes everything from murder and theft to drug and alcohol addiction, teen pregnancy, dropping out of school, wrecks caused by reckless driving, and smoking.  I’m sure you could make your own list that might be as long as your arm.

The first step in prevention of all bad things is developing our children from birth by their parents and, if applicable in child care.  This is the time we can instill values that will stay with them for life.  On the timeline of life, the next step happens in the school system.  If we could get all parents to understand the importance of that development and model the behavior and values that tend to lead to success, we would have an unbelievable number of fewer bad things happening.  And the amazing fact is that this plan can be implemented by anyone regardless of wealth, IQ,  race, or occupation.

Now let’s jump to the negatives in my dream.

  • Not all parents will buy into this.  Some won’t bother to understand, and others just don’t care.
  • Not all young people will live to the behavior and values they have been taught.  Often this happens as a result of peer pressure.
  • A small percentage of young people will not have the mental capacity to learn and be self-sufficient.
  • Bad breaks such as health problems or debilitating  accidents can occur.

All of this constitutes the hand we’re dealt.  At this point, let’s accept that we will have done all we reasonably could as a society to create the best possible environment, but we still have a relatively small pool of unfortunate circumstances.  Despite our best effort, some people will still abuse drugs and drive recklessly, some teens will get pregnant, and all of the items on your list and mine will happen to a lesser degree than today.

Now let’s look at how we deal with a large portion of those thing that go wrong.  The United States has 5% of the world’s population but 25% of the people in prison.  We not only have the greatest percentage of our population in prison we have the greatest absolute number.  And the average length of confinement is far greater that that of any other country.  I’m not going to drag out a plethora of statistics for this article.  Here are a few of the more alarming ones. (I researched various sources and recent years.  There is some slight inconsistency among those numbers, but there hasn’t been much change in the past five years, and the numbers are very close.  I assure you my list represents the nature and degree of the facts.)

  •  7.5 of every thousand people in America is in prison or jail.
  • If we look only at working age men that number jumps to 21 per thousand.  I have chosen not to recognize statistics by ethnicity because that implies that race is the primary factor when, in fact, there are many other contributors such as education and poverty.
  • Get this one tax watchdogs: The annual cost of operating US prisons is about $70 billion or about $28,000 per inmate.  That’s the equivalent of every household in America contributing an average of $600 to run our prisons for a year.  Since we have put oversight of prisons in the hands of for-profit corporations, they have successfully lobbied for lower thresholds and longer sentences.  Of course they have.
  • The most conservative (lowest) estimate I could find says that 30%  of the 2.5 million people incarcerated in America have been convicted of so-called victimless crimes.  While not exactly synonymous, I prefer the term non-violent crimes because while there are not direct victims there is a fallout to indirect ones such as families and employers.  To clarify my point, here is a very small list of examples: possession, purchase, or sale of drugs, prostitution, gambling, drunkenness, embezzlement, immigration offenses, and my personal favorite necrophilia.

I’m not proposing that these offenders not be punished, but imprisonment is totally non-productive and very expensive.  Here are a few alternatives: house imprisonment except for going to work or school, public service, stiff fines, and restitution.  This allows the convicted party to contribute to the community, remain an active parent, and have an opportunity to reform.  There is no evidence that imprisonment yields any of those results.  Predictably the cost savings to the American people would be about $25 billion a year.

Using our usual short-sightedness, we perpetuate the same types of punishments we used when our nation was founded.  We arrest and imprison or kill the perpetrators without regard to the cost or whether that procedure is productive or the cost.

US attorney general Eric Holder is committed to prison reform.  As he puts it, “We need to ensure that incarceration is used to punish, deter and rehabilitate – not merely to convict, warehouse and forget.”

We have to wake up and see to it that imprisonment will be a last resort.  Punishments need to be administered consistently regardless of the wealth or social status of the perpetrator–not fat cats buying their way out.


Quality child care is not babysitting!  We can’t build a skyscraper the first week we start, but we can ruin it then. The same is true in the development of human beings. Let’s start with some assumptions:

  •  All children have one or more people at home that care for them and influence their development. The quality of that care and influence varies, but because the majority of a child’s waking hours are spent at home, this is usually the strongest influence.
  • As a child grows, she is increasingly exposed to other influences–extended family members, peers, education, entertainment, often religion, and child care. In the pre-school years when child care is a factor, it tends to occupy the second most hours and, thus, is the second greatest influence.

Now let’s consider these facts:

  • In 2011, according to the Census Bureau, 37% of child under 5 with working mothers are in some non-family child care for about 45 hours a week. This includes centers, homes, Head Start, and faith based settings. Once they start school, the percentage of care in these venues drops to 23% for about 15 to 20 hours a week. That’s 12.000,000 children who are strongly influenced by someone who is not a family member.
  • The median annual income for someone in the child care industry is $19,510. That is below poverty level for a household of three or more.
  • A child’s brain grows to 80% of its adult size by age three. During this time the wiring is connected based on use of the brain. She needs to be exposed to experiences for the brain to develop to its potential. If those experiences don’t happen, the opportunity to make those connections is greatly reduced forever.
  • Lifelong values are formed during these early years. The foundation will be laid as to whether he will be honest or devious; generous or selfish; industrious or lazy; kind or mean-spirited; trusting or defensive; and all of those other characteristics that make us who we are.

Can we draw some general conclusions for the future of those children for whom a child care setting is a significant part of their lives? I believe we can.

  • The low pay causes those are in charge of child care centers not to be able to be very selective in choosing those who work directly with the children. In many years of advocacy for quality child care, I observed that I could divide those who work in this field (mostly women) into three nearly equal segments.
    • Those with a passion for the work and the development of children to the point that the money isn’t a factor.
    • Those with a passion for the work but who need an income. These people would be compelled to leave if a better job in a different field were offered. This equates to high turnover.
    • Those who don’t particularly care about the kids and just need a job. McDonald’s or Walmart would be just as acceptable to them.
  • There is a stigma connected to this occupation in that it is not seen by the general population as important. Again the babysitter term comes into play. The industry doesn’t do much to help. Most centers insist on calling the care givers aides or some other unflattering term. They refuse to call them teachers because of some imagined flap from school teachers. If a mother and child encounter an “aide” at the super market, I guarantee the three-year-old knows she is her teacher.
  • There are standards in place for licensed centers and homes, but they are usually focused on safety, which is important, but they don’t address the quality of the program. And it is fairly common for a woman to give so-called child care in her home with no enforced standards of any kind. Some of these homes give excellent care, and some are unsafe and/or careless in their attention to the children. And there is no official way to tell one from the other.
  • Quality care includes a variety of developmental activities driven by the age of the children. This includes telling stories, singing songs, playing games, drawing pictures, and talking with the kids. It also includes nutritional meals and snacks. It isn’t necessary to insist that a child learn his multiplication tables or read the New York Times at age four. Those skills will come in time. What is important is that they are encouraged to use their imaginations, to interact socially with their peers, to develop emotionally, and to get exercise through play. A TV, a Pepsi, and a Twinkie do not constitute quality child care.

In the long term, good parenting is the biggest factor in a child’s development, but for those children who need continuing child care for 15 to 45 hours a week, that is the second biggest influence. These kids make up the generation that will have to clean up the mess we have made of our nation. They will need to address poverty, the mediocrity of our education system, climate change, the largest prison population in the world, the total mess that is our federal government where political selfishness trumps the good of the people every time, and more. 12,000,000 of them are at the mercy of care givers who are paid less than poverty level.

I always hate to lay out a problem without offering a solution. There are many facets to the answer, but we have to start with more money. I know of only two ways to infuse money into a deprived industry—more income or a redeployment of resources that are currently allocated elsewhere. That means increased taxes and money moved from other budget lines (especially our bloated defense budget) to child development. While we pour the biggest allocation of our money into defending against some imagined boogeyman, we are falling apart from the inside.

Now that I have already offended all of you Tea Party people, I have nothing to lose by straight talk. Let me say in the manner in which you state your opinions. You are wrong, and I am right.



You may think it presumptuous of me that, of all the work we have to do and problems we have to solve, I would anoint any one item as “the most important.” Yet after seventy-plus years of observing the world we live in, including the last seventeen dealing with social issues, I am so certain that I am willing to put myself out there. What do you think? Is it the national defense? No—we spend way too much on that already. Is it education? No—that is step two of my issue. Is it climate change? No—although that is high on my list, and if it as serious as some believe, it will trump everything else. Is it homelessness? Hunger? The environment? Unemployment? Equal treatment and acceptance of all people? Terrorism? The growing gap between the haves and have-nots? The growing prison population? Oil? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no, although every one of those problems requires a huge amount of our attention as soon as possible.

I contend that the number one issue that we need to address with all the vigor and all the resources at our disposal is early child development. On the surface, this seems minor compared to the other possibilities listed. Here is my reasoning. There is indisputable evidence that human brains are 80-90% developed by age three. The necessary wiring is connected in those first three years, and if it doesn’t happen by then, the child’s potential is greatly reduced. The opportunity is lost; those connections will not happen later in life. By age five, values are formed. Those will be the basis for the child’s entire life. It will be determined if he will be honest or devious, industrious or lazy, ethical or deceitful, trusting or defensive, generous or selfish, and all the other characteristics that are relevant to one’s makeup. Once the values are ingrained in an individual, it is highly unlikely that she will ever change to any great degree.

To make the case, let me proffer an analogy that goes to back to the beginning of my manufacturing career. At Kane Power Industries, our primary raw materials were large iron castings, which we machined to specifications. They were used as housings for our products. The quality control procedure in 1980 was to machine, let’s say, 300 of castings in a run. When the run was completed, an inspector, was called in to measure them against specified tolerances and pass judgment as to whether they were acceptable for use. There were three possible results of that inspection. (1) They met specifications and could go to the assembly line. (2) They varied hopelessly from specifications, and they went to the scrap heap. (3) They were close but not quite to specifications. In this instance, they were sentenced to a purgatory we called rework, from which some more machining and labor might save them for use. However, the additional labor cost us any profit that might have been attainable if those castings had been machined correctly in the first place.

In the late seventies and early eighties, American manufacturing began to embrace a quality control called statistical process control. This procedure called for the machine operator to measure every tenth casting to ensure that it met prescribed tolerances. If the measurement was drifting toward the edge of a given tolerance, he adjusted the machine to bring it back to the middle of the tolerance range. In effect, he measured to predict if he would later produce an unacceptable product. If so, he prevented the making of a reject by adjusting the setup. A little later, we learned that if we went into the foundry of our supplier and imposed some production standards on it, we would prevent the receipt of out-of-tolerance raw castings.

Statistical process control is still used today. It has been enhanced by some other more sophisticated procedures to ensure quality. Together they lead to earning an ISO certification, which is almost universally demanded of suppliers in the twenty-first century.

So what’s the point? In life, our raw materials are infants. The processes to make them a useful product are pre-natal care, parenting, child care, a wholesome and healthy environment, diet, exercise, and various programs that are a positive influence on their development.

Yet, we continue to produce scrap and rework. Children who are raised from birth within the prescribed tolerances usually turn out to be pretty good citizens. They get an education, hold a job, become good parents, and are assets to their community. Those who are raised carelessly are often not ready for kindergarten when the time comes. From there, it’s a downward spiral. They aren’t equal to the other kids intellectually, socially, and emotionally. Being behind, they become disenchanted with school and often rebel in various ways. This frequently leads to dropping out, unemployment, welfare, trouble with the law, poverty, and on and on. Then they continue the cycle with children of their own.

Are you not yet in agreement with me that this is the single most urgent issue of the day? Those children comprise the generation that might solve some of the other problems I listed. We need to equip today’s two-year-olds to be ready to do a better job than we have done. In my opinion, that doesn’t set a very high bar. We’ve worked on these problems for decades with no solutions. We manage the problems as best we can, but we don’t solve them. Until we cut off the pipeline of people becoming scrap and rework, we will perpetuate the cycle. That is not debatable. The big barrier is that the solution will be horribly expensive. We have to run parallel programs for twenty years while we clear the pipeline of those children we have already mishandled.

We have become a society of short-term thinkers. We are not willing to invest in a product or process that won’t pay off for several years. Instead, we put band-aids on our existing products, or we make cheap, inferior new products that will break as soon as the warranty expires.   That is a practice that leads to mediocrity, which is where we are today.

It is essential that we build a child care system for working parents that is high quality and taught by professionals educated in child care. We also have to make it affordable to all parents. Child care is a common ground where values can be taught.

There are two other traits that are not exactly values. Yet, they are as important as any values we can imagine. Those are intellectual curiosity and hope. We want our children to be insatiable in their thirst for knowledge. And a child without hope is a child lost.

All of these characteristics need to be modeled rather than preached. Many parents don’t model any of these traits, because they neither possess nor value them themselves. When that is the case, it has to be done outside the home. Child care is the most likely influence to make a difference. Kindergarten and first grade are too late.

We also have to build an enormous parent education network for those parents who are willing to admit that they shouldn’t necessarily raise their children as they were raised and are open to learning better methods. By the way, bad parenting crosses all socio-economic lines.

These are not the only actions necessary to turn the ship around, but they will do for a start. I only know that we need to address early child development in a big way, or the results of our education system will continue to decline at an accelerated rate, and proliferation of drop-outs, poverty, crime, and our prison population will continue.

The cost will be in the billions every year. Where would the money come from? The only possible answer is tax dollars. You can’t pass the hat among individual and corporations and expect to reap an amount necessary to make a difference. The financing of the solutions has to be mandated. Money could be made available from a major tax increase or from a redeployment of existing dollars. I suggest reducing the bloated defense budget and reallocating the money gleaned from that.

Stay tuned in my next blog, I will bring forth a utopian idea that might cause you to label me a lunatic if you haven’t already.  I promise it will be shorter that this voluminous offering.